It's been a good few days. Nice to feel like I am in control of my life again. I say again, but really I mean it's nice to feel in control of my life for the first time ever!
I've been having a bit of a clear out. Packed up loads of clothes and books etc for the charity shop - British heart foundation is my favourite, not only because I know people who have had heart problems, but because they handle donations so well!
Yesterday I loaded the old Volvo with junk from the attic and took it to the council recycling centre. It was only as I took it all out at Flusco tip that I realised what a state the Volvo was in.
It's used principally as a dog vehicle, most of its journeys are spent transporting dogs around the country for the Lakeland Trailhound trust. So the back was covered in dog hair of all kinds, muddy paw prints, sticks, etc. while the front was muddy from boots and littered with rubbish....
So I decided to clean it out. Now did that take a while..... But it was worth it. Looking good!
Which is more than I can say for my nails. A couple of days ago they were beautifully manicured and painted, now they are chipped, broken and filthy!
That's always been one the difficult things in my job. I like being girls, but it's almost impossible to maintain when I am up to my elbows in oil inside a machine, or covered in pigment that gets behind my nails and is impossible to remove!! A girls engineer/ chemist is just not feasible sometimes.
Talking of being in control, though, I have finally organised a builder to come and sort the rising damp in the living room. Got to keep the value of the house up, you never know.....
So onward and upward. My Sunday lie in is ending soon, and I have lots to do.
Starting with Archie's walk :-)
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Thursday, 6 September 2012
End or beginning?
Today I saw my lovely counsellor for the last time. We had a really good chat, without the difficult stuff we covered previously. The nice thing is that she left me her contact details and in a few weeks or so I will be able to make contact as just a friend. She will make a great friend- we have a lot in common, so I am looking forward to going for a walk or two and discussing some of the things we both like and enjoy. And listening to her talk for a change, find out about her life...
I am also very grateful to her for the help she has given me over the last year (almost). She helped to understand how I got to be so depressed and why I had such a mammoth 'breakdown' two years ago.
I have finally got rid of some 30 year old demons, plus some 40 year old ghosts and terrors...
The Rape Crisis team are wonderful and the care they have taken with me this year is so marvellous. I can't thank them enough and one day I will do some work for them to repay the kindness.
The thought of ending the counselling with the wonderful lady was daunting, but not terrifying as it was a few months ago. I'm OK now. I can't say that I have suddenly become happy, but the optimism I used to have about everything is back and I feel in control of my life at last. No longer do I have ridiculous highs and then devasting lows. The ups and downs are still there, but the amplification is much lower.
So the next stage is the antidepressants. Do I go to the doc and try to reduce the dose? I've not been to the doctor for months, just keep getting repeat prescriptions! But am I ready to go it alone without the meds? I don't know, but I am ready to try quite soon. I know it's impossible to just stop taking them, because of the hideous experience I had one weekend in London when I forgot to take the tablets with me. I became dizzy, disorientated, and so bleak and low I was almost ready to throw myself off the hotel roof. Seriously!
anyway, it was the end of an era today, and also the beginning of another. The next one I hope will be The start of a better phase of my life. At least now I understand who I am and I am happier in my own skin. My destiny is in my own hands; mine alone. No more relying on others, or waiting for permission to let my life begin......
Life begins at 53 for me. I have had a good week eating wise. No junk, just healthy stuff and less of it! Been walking more and cross training every evening. Who knows, I might even are up that E-harmony subscription that I dabbled with when I was Ill.
Night night xx
I am also very grateful to her for the help she has given me over the last year (almost). She helped to understand how I got to be so depressed and why I had such a mammoth 'breakdown' two years ago.
I have finally got rid of some 30 year old demons, plus some 40 year old ghosts and terrors...
The Rape Crisis team are wonderful and the care they have taken with me this year is so marvellous. I can't thank them enough and one day I will do some work for them to repay the kindness.
The thought of ending the counselling with the wonderful lady was daunting, but not terrifying as it was a few months ago. I'm OK now. I can't say that I have suddenly become happy, but the optimism I used to have about everything is back and I feel in control of my life at last. No longer do I have ridiculous highs and then devasting lows. The ups and downs are still there, but the amplification is much lower.
So the next stage is the antidepressants. Do I go to the doc and try to reduce the dose? I've not been to the doctor for months, just keep getting repeat prescriptions! But am I ready to go it alone without the meds? I don't know, but I am ready to try quite soon. I know it's impossible to just stop taking them, because of the hideous experience I had one weekend in London when I forgot to take the tablets with me. I became dizzy, disorientated, and so bleak and low I was almost ready to throw myself off the hotel roof. Seriously!
anyway, it was the end of an era today, and also the beginning of another. The next one I hope will be The start of a better phase of my life. At least now I understand who I am and I am happier in my own skin. My destiny is in my own hands; mine alone. No more relying on others, or waiting for permission to let my life begin......
Life begins at 53 for me. I have had a good week eating wise. No junk, just healthy stuff and less of it! Been walking more and cross training every evening. Who knows, I might even are up that E-harmony subscription that I dabbled with when I was Ill.
Night night xx
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Weighty blog
Healthy eating started again today. I have realised that I've put loads of weight on over the past couple of years.
It would be easy to blame the antidepressants that I take: one of the side effects listed is 'increased appetite'! However, I've been on those pills for almost three years now, so I should have got used to the effects by now. I'm just eating too much and not exercising enough.
I have gained over one and a half stones, which isn't good. I only realised when I started puffing and panting going up the steeper hills!
It's not that I care what I look like, indeed that doesn't matter a bit, to me or anyone else. No- one to care whether I'm fat or thin. But I like my walking and if I can't do it so well, it's time to do something about it.
So, no more junk food. Longer walks and more cycling. the only downside is that if I get too healthy I may live longer. Bugger!
Was a long day today. The exhibition was quiet; too much time to think. I prefer to keep busy.
It's so great that the schools go back next week though. I will be able to park my car outside my own house again, will be able to go to the post office without the queue being out of the door. Best of all I will be able to go on my favourite walks without meeting hordes of people in the country lanes!
So the new exercise regime will start with a long walk down Borrowdale next weekend, school- children free!
Anyway, it's 9pm, so I am off to bed. I know hoe to live it up on a Saturday night. :-)
Goodnight my dear friends.
It would be easy to blame the antidepressants that I take: one of the side effects listed is 'increased appetite'! However, I've been on those pills for almost three years now, so I should have got used to the effects by now. I'm just eating too much and not exercising enough.
I have gained over one and a half stones, which isn't good. I only realised when I started puffing and panting going up the steeper hills!
It's not that I care what I look like, indeed that doesn't matter a bit, to me or anyone else. No- one to care whether I'm fat or thin. But I like my walking and if I can't do it so well, it's time to do something about it.
So, no more junk food. Longer walks and more cycling. the only downside is that if I get too healthy I may live longer. Bugger!
Was a long day today. The exhibition was quiet; too much time to think. I prefer to keep busy.
It's so great that the schools go back next week though. I will be able to park my car outside my own house again, will be able to go to the post office without the queue being out of the door. Best of all I will be able to go on my favourite walks without meeting hordes of people in the country lanes!
So the new exercise regime will start with a long walk down Borrowdale next weekend, school- children free!
Anyway, it's 9pm, so I am off to bed. I know hoe to live it up on a Saturday night. :-)
Goodnight my dear friends.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Where I left off..
It's been quite a while since I did a blog post. I've been really busy and not had much time to think about what to write.
Suddenly I realised its September again tomorrow. Can't believe it, the time just seems to leap by in big chunks!
I have done some lovely things this year, seen some fabulous places, met some really nice people. I suppose it's been a very good year.
Highlights have included the Olympics, of course, trips to France, Jersey and Denmark.
But I think my favourite was the little camping trip with Archie! Spending a night under canvas with a little fury hot water bottle snuggled up beside me, listening to the night sounds outside, was just so special.
He's such a loyal companion; loves me unconditionally and never asks for anything in return, other than a nice walk. His tail wags constantly, he smiles all the time and the welcome I get when I come home from work is worth a million pounds.
Short blog post this to get me back into it again! Early start tomorrow, to get my little man out for his walk before I go down to the pencil museum to man our c-art exhibition from 10 till 5.
Another busy day ahead!
Suddenly I realised its September again tomorrow. Can't believe it, the time just seems to leap by in big chunks!
I have done some lovely things this year, seen some fabulous places, met some really nice people. I suppose it's been a very good year.
Highlights have included the Olympics, of course, trips to France, Jersey and Denmark.
But I think my favourite was the little camping trip with Archie! Spending a night under canvas with a little fury hot water bottle snuggled up beside me, listening to the night sounds outside, was just so special.
He's such a loyal companion; loves me unconditionally and never asks for anything in return, other than a nice walk. His tail wags constantly, he smiles all the time and the welcome I get when I come home from work is worth a million pounds.
Short blog post this to get me back into it again! Early start tomorrow, to get my little man out for his walk before I go down to the pencil museum to man our c-art exhibition from 10 till 5.
Another busy day ahead!
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Time
I don't seem to have enough time these days. Time that is to do nothing!
In my efforts to keep myself busy leaving no time to think or feel sorry for my silly self, I seem to have taken on so much that I'm in a constant state of diary watching. Which day is it and what am I doing today, kind of thing.
Good in many ways in that I've achieved what I wanted - no thinking time. But now I find I haven't got a free weekend until mid November!
And I wanted to get more cycling in before the nights are too dark.
Very busy this week sorting out the ukcps exhibition entries. Sending out emails, notifications, invites, etc. also folding and packing newsletters for posting to all the members.
Trouble with volunteering for things like that is that it has to be fitted in around everything else. Not all of the members realise that all the work done is voluntary and get a little impatient for information.
I need to try and do some drawing or painting too, as I have some exhibitions coming up, but I doubt I'll have the time to do enough new stuff. Will have to dredge up some older work!
Anyway, the result of all the stuff I'm doing is that I'm flipping tired. After the Olympic stint, then headlong into all the other stuff, I have the 26 mile 3 peaks walk on Sunday. Then a trip to jersey next week, then on my return the exhibitions, Shakespeare workshops, choirs, etc etc.
Being tired doesn't help the depression either, so I do find I get a bit more down than I should. But it shouldn't get too bad as I don't have the time to let it.
The only thing is I could really use a hug. In the absence of anybody to hug though, I'll just keep
busy....
By the way, I was featured in the company blog this week. Here is a link to it. I think it's a bit soppy now reading it back, but hey ho!
In my efforts to keep myself busy leaving no time to think or feel sorry for my silly self, I seem to have taken on so much that I'm in a constant state of diary watching. Which day is it and what am I doing today, kind of thing.
Good in many ways in that I've achieved what I wanted - no thinking time. But now I find I haven't got a free weekend until mid November!
And I wanted to get more cycling in before the nights are too dark.
Very busy this week sorting out the ukcps exhibition entries. Sending out emails, notifications, invites, etc. also folding and packing newsletters for posting to all the members.
Trouble with volunteering for things like that is that it has to be fitted in around everything else. Not all of the members realise that all the work done is voluntary and get a little impatient for information.
I need to try and do some drawing or painting too, as I have some exhibitions coming up, but I doubt I'll have the time to do enough new stuff. Will have to dredge up some older work!
Anyway, the result of all the stuff I'm doing is that I'm flipping tired. After the Olympic stint, then headlong into all the other stuff, I have the 26 mile 3 peaks walk on Sunday. Then a trip to jersey next week, then on my return the exhibitions, Shakespeare workshops, choirs, etc etc.
Being tired doesn't help the depression either, so I do find I get a bit more down than I should. But it shouldn't get too bad as I don't have the time to let it.
The only thing is I could really use a hug. In the absence of anybody to hug though, I'll just keep
busy....
By the way, I was featured in the company blog this week. Here is a link to it. I think it's a bit soppy now reading it back, but hey ho!
Monday, 13 August 2012
It's all over now
The Olympics, that is.
I know that among my friends there are mixed feelings about the Olympics. Some have loved it, as I have; some have hated every second and others have been completely indifferent and just got on with their lives ignoring all references to the games.
Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, depending which side of the fence you're on, I have enjoyed almost every minute of the last two and a half weeks. The atmosphere in London was the best it has ever been to a 'northern outsider' like me. People actually talked to each other. And the gamesmaker uniform I wore every day gave people the confidence, or maybe the good humour to start a conversation with me, even on the tube. The tube, a place where looking someone in the eye, never mind speaking to them, is considered a complete no-no. But this last fortnight, I've had more conversations with tube travellers than I would have thought possible!
The visiting spectators were absolutely wonderful and so full of fun that it was impossible not to smile from ear to ear. The whole experience was 'feel good' from start to finish and I'm so glad I volunteered.
And now it's over. I have slight Olympic withdrawal, even though my last two days down there were spent feeling rough as old bulls lugs. I managed to get heatstroke last Thursday after a particularly long shift in the blazing sun with no hat and not enough water to drink. So I spent two days in bed, getting every hour or more frequently to throw up, then changing from freezing cold to boiling in a second. Most unpleasant, but not bad enough to ruin my Olympic experience. And now I am home and back at work, all is normal again.
Talking of being back at work, I am amazed by something that happened there recently. There's a guy who is a bit of a bully and in the past has given me a bit of a hard time at work. He's aggressive, quite unpleasant and difficult. He and his wife split up a while ago and the surprise for me is that he almost immediately met another woman and is enjoying a new relationship!
What tf am I doing wrong? If a person like that can meet someone so quickly and form a relationship, what is wrong with me? Lol! Maybe I'm just too nice; maybe there are just more women than men of a certain age who are single! Or maybe I'm too bloody fussy!
Or maybe I should have been born a man. If a man chases women it's quite a respectable thing to do, but if a woman does it, she musts appears desperate and needy (chases a man that is, not a woman!)
Ah well, Ive decided they're a waste of time anyway. Better to stick with Archie :-)
Talking of which, the two of us are embarking (!) on a new adventure this weekend. We are going camping. I'll let you know how that one goes!
Meanwhile, time to chill and enjoy the calm after the storm that was London 2012.....
I know that among my friends there are mixed feelings about the Olympics. Some have loved it, as I have; some have hated every second and others have been completely indifferent and just got on with their lives ignoring all references to the games.
Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, depending which side of the fence you're on, I have enjoyed almost every minute of the last two and a half weeks. The atmosphere in London was the best it has ever been to a 'northern outsider' like me. People actually talked to each other. And the gamesmaker uniform I wore every day gave people the confidence, or maybe the good humour to start a conversation with me, even on the tube. The tube, a place where looking someone in the eye, never mind speaking to them, is considered a complete no-no. But this last fortnight, I've had more conversations with tube travellers than I would have thought possible!
The visiting spectators were absolutely wonderful and so full of fun that it was impossible not to smile from ear to ear. The whole experience was 'feel good' from start to finish and I'm so glad I volunteered.
And now it's over. I have slight Olympic withdrawal, even though my last two days down there were spent feeling rough as old bulls lugs. I managed to get heatstroke last Thursday after a particularly long shift in the blazing sun with no hat and not enough water to drink. So I spent two days in bed, getting every hour or more frequently to throw up, then changing from freezing cold to boiling in a second. Most unpleasant, but not bad enough to ruin my Olympic experience. And now I am home and back at work, all is normal again.
Talking of being back at work, I am amazed by something that happened there recently. There's a guy who is a bit of a bully and in the past has given me a bit of a hard time at work. He's aggressive, quite unpleasant and difficult. He and his wife split up a while ago and the surprise for me is that he almost immediately met another woman and is enjoying a new relationship!
What tf am I doing wrong? If a person like that can meet someone so quickly and form a relationship, what is wrong with me? Lol! Maybe I'm just too nice; maybe there are just more women than men of a certain age who are single! Or maybe I'm too bloody fussy!
Or maybe I should have been born a man. If a man chases women it's quite a respectable thing to do, but if a woman does it, she musts appears desperate and needy (chases a man that is, not a woman!)
Ah well, Ive decided they're a waste of time anyway. Better to stick with Archie :-)
Talking of which, the two of us are embarking (!) on a new adventure this weekend. We are going camping. I'll let you know how that one goes!
Meanwhile, time to chill and enjoy the calm after the storm that was London 2012.....
Friday, 3 August 2012
Bus to Alperton
One of the interesting things for me about being an Olympic games maker is the fact that I can now direct you to most places in the wembley area. Ask me where you can get a bus to Alperton, a train to Marylebone or Ruislip and I can point you in the right direction. If you want a cash point or a McDonalds or indeed TGIFridays, I can get you there no problem!
As for the tube stations, I spend every day yelling (with or without megaphone) that wembley park is to the left (jubilee and metropolitan lines) and wembley central is on the right (Bakerloo line)
What use this will be in the future I have no idea!
Another thing I particularly like is the variety of questions I am asked by the spectators. Mostly directions to the stadium, arena or public transport, but occasionally I get a gem.
One foreign gentleman looked puzzled as I yelled 'wembley central to your left.'
He came over and I could see he wanted to ask something. 'can I help you sir?', said I.
'which way to wembley central?' he asked.
'do you need the tube station? Say I.
'no. Where is my house?' he asked with an anguished expression.
Needless to say, this one was beyond me.
The other morning, we were told that we could go into the Arena to watch a couple of hours of badminton. However, we were not allowed to go in our uniforms and must put a T shirt or similar over our red and purple shirts so as not to stand out for the cameras. I had no such thing with me. My team leader, who by the way is a first rate team leader, by far the best out of all of them, pointed out that there was a JD sports shop just around the corner and I had 10 minutes to nip round and get a cheap shirt.
Off I ran, only to find that JD did not open until 10 am and it was only 9 am. What to do? Then I spotted a Lidl nearby and rushed inside on the off chance I could find something. Up and down the aisles, but no t shirts. Suddenly, I thought I saw something. A green t shirt? No, men's pyjama set, green top and chek shorts. But faced with the time limit, I had no choice. I grabbed the green top, ran to the checkout and tried to buy it. Thenassistantmwasnt going to have it. Part of a set, she said.
Don't need the other bit, I argued. After some persuading, I finally managed to pay for said pyjama top and ran back just in time to get into the arena.
So, if you happened to be watching the badminton the other day and happened to a bright green top, with a picture of someone sleeping on the front, that was me in my men's pyjama top!
I guess the other thing I like about doing this, is the break from being a manger and having to make decisions, tell people what to do, etc. how nic it is to be told what to do for a change and not have to think.....
Bacck to reality soon, so I'd better make the most of it.
Goodnight xx