Today I saw my lovely counsellor for the last time. We had a really good chat, without the difficult stuff we covered previously. The nice thing is that she left me her contact details and in a few weeks or so I will be able to make contact as just a friend. She will make a great friend- we have a lot in common, so I am looking forward to going for a walk or two and discussing some of the things we both like and enjoy. And listening to her talk for a change, find out about her life...
I am also very grateful to her for the help she has given me over the last year (almost). She helped to understand how I got to be so depressed and why I had such a mammoth 'breakdown' two years ago.
I have finally got rid of some 30 year old demons, plus some 40 year old ghosts and terrors...
The Rape Crisis team are wonderful and the care they have taken with me this year is so marvellous. I can't thank them enough and one day I will do some work for them to repay the kindness.
The thought of ending the counselling with the wonderful lady was daunting, but not terrifying as it was a few months ago. I'm OK now. I can't say that I have suddenly become happy, but the optimism I used to have about everything is back and I feel in control of my life at last. No longer do I have ridiculous highs and then devasting lows. The ups and downs are still there, but the amplification is much lower.
So the next stage is the antidepressants. Do I go to the doc and try to reduce the dose? I've not been to the doctor for months, just keep getting repeat prescriptions! But am I ready to go it alone without the meds? I don't know, but I am ready to try quite soon. I know it's impossible to just stop taking them, because of the hideous experience I had one weekend in London when I forgot to take the tablets with me. I became dizzy, disorientated, and so bleak and low I was almost ready to throw myself off the hotel roof. Seriously!
anyway, it was the end of an era today, and also the beginning of another. The next one I hope will be The start of a better phase of my life. At least now I understand who I am and I am happier in my own skin. My destiny is in my own hands; mine alone. No more relying on others, or waiting for permission to let my life begin......
Life begins at 53 for me. I have had a good week eating wise. No junk, just healthy stuff and less of it! Been walking more and cross training every evening. Who knows, I might even are up that E-harmony subscription that I dabbled with when I was Ill.
Night night xx
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