Another holiday

I didn't post anything last week as I was on holiday again. Saying again as people tell me I have a lot of holidays and I guess they're right. I do take as many as I can as I enjoy seeing different things, places, etc.

Last week I went to Norfolk and hired a cottage by the sea for the week. It was very 'by the sea' too as the cottage looked right out onto the sea with nothing in between.

Here is a photo from inside.

I do love the sea - there's something very soothing about the sound of crashing waves - I adored it at night to fall asleep by.

The weather in most of the UK was horrendous last week, but there was a nice patch in Norfolk where we were that kept it dry and mostly sunny except for one really wet day midweek. On the whole the weather was great.  I just walked by the shore, read  and ate.  Not much else. Visited Cromer (genteel!) and Great Yarmouth (too tacky!) and Redwings animal sanctuary. But that was it.

Archie wasn't very happy as there weren't any carpets and he is uneasy on hard floors - tends to slide and it makes him windy. Here he is sitting in the hall looking fed up.

On the other hand, he did love the beaches and the walks, which he managed despite his sore leg.
I was fairly relaxed, though there are always times when I get very stressed when on doing anything with M. She knows exactly the buttons to press to wind me up and I react every time.

Ah well, back to it now.

May 31st

It got a bit chilly yesterday afternoon after the very hot weather of the previous few days. I even had to put a bit of heating on in the car on the drive home - a bit drastic considering I'd driven to work with the air conditioning on.

I had every intention of going for a walk after my dinner, but as usual that all went pear-shaped as I sank into the sofa in a stupor, watched the TV for a couple of hours, then retired to bed. It is a short working week for me however, as Monday was a bank holiday and I am off on holiday on Friday. M & I have booked a cottage for a week in Norfolk, which Archie will like as he will be able to run out right onto the beach. It does usually take him a few days to settle though.

I'm hoping for OK weather, not the chilly rain of yesterday. Today has been better, so fingers crossed. Work has been fine today - I gave everyone a pep talk this morning about not giving up at the first hurdle so that when trials and results don't turn out the way you want them to, step back and rethink. There are other ways to approach problems without giving up. I'm very good at thinking that way when it's a practical problem at work, but can I hell think like that in my own world!

This evening I am planning to pack some stuff to take to Norfolk and to try not to sit in front of the TV all evening. Let's see how that pans out :-)
I do want to watch some news though, as I still haven't decided how to vote in the coming general election. I will need to send off my postal vote tomorrow as I will be away on polling day, so it's crunch time tonight. I have been torn between parties, but lately have found myself getting irritated by the labour supporters among my friends on social media.  They are the only ones who are getting personal and ranting about the opposition - to the extent that it is making me sway heavily towards the Conservatives. Surely, one can support a party without resorting to personal attacks on the 'others'?  I like to try and remember how lucky we all are in this country to be able to freely vote and freely speak our minds about pretty much anything. there are millions of people around the world who don't have that freedom and even if they do, many are too busy fighting to survive to think about who is governing them. So please, people, by all means support your favourite political party and state your views, but do you have to be so nasty about the other side?

Ah well, I will never win that argument - people get so heated that they forget to fist and foremost be human. I still don't know who my vote will go to - that will only happen as I put the paper in the envelope. but whoever gets the job of ruling the country, there isn't a whole lot of difference between them.

It's been a long time since I blogged anything and I'm not sure why I felt the desire to start doing it again. On the surface everything is back to normal and I'm sure if you asked most people who know me they would say that I am perfectly OK. But there is a lot of 'surface' happiness going on.  I do try every day to focus on the moment and while this can be successful, there is still a deep depression going on under the surface.

It comes to my attention on occasions like Saturday evening. One of my long term colleagues is retiring and threw a party for all her favourite workmates. I was invited. I have worked with her for more than 20 years and am very fond of her - respect her work and will certainly miss her when she retires. so why did I send her a text three hours before the party saying I couldn't go?

Ok, I'm not a great party goes, I've never enjoyed the jollity, I'm a rubbish dancer and I would have had to drive so drinking was out of the question. But those are not reasons enough for not supporting a friend are they? The truth is I couldn't face leaving the house. I went to get a haircut on Saturday afternoon and came back with a nice new short style, then sat down in my chair and thought about getting ready for the party. What would I wear? Of course, despite having loads of clothes, I had nothing suitable. It was all old fashioned and I look enormous in everything. Well, I'm enormous anyway, so what difference would the clothes have made? If I took my car out, I wouldn't get parked when I got back. Another excuse. The reality was I was afraid to go, afraid to leave the house, enter a room full of people, try to make small talk and enjoy myself. I couldn't do it. Once I'd made my decision I felt that knot of tension in my stomach recede and I sank back into my chair, picked up my phone and opened Candy Crush. Safe again.

Did it make me feel better in the long run? Not at all - I am here at work today and she is very cool with me, despite my apologies. After all, she thinks I couldn't be bothered and why should she think any differently? I won't tell her that I felt sick, that I was shaking, that I simply couldn't drag myself from my front door.  She will continue to think that I don't value her friendship.

And instead of partying the night away, I was in bed by 9 - the place where I feel the happiest. tucked nicely away from the world and in my own little space.

It's not as bad as it sounds of course. I'm functioning a lot better than when I was really depressed. I go to work every day and function quite well on the whole. It does take it out of me though and every evening I am in bed by 9.

Depression is a strange thing and I know it is still with me, though I will not go onto medication again. At least without that I am functioning, not numb. and anyway, being med free allows me to experience good things and enjoy them - the beauty of nature, art and music; holidays; etc.
And that is great!