It's been a long time since I blogged anything and I'm not sure why I felt the desire to start doing it again. On the surface everything is back to normal and I'm sure if you asked most people who know me they would say that I am perfectly OK. But there is a lot of 'surface' happiness going on.  I do try every day to focus on the moment and while this can be successful, there is still a deep depression going on under the surface.

It comes to my attention on occasions like Saturday evening. One of my long term colleagues is retiring and threw a party for all her favourite workmates. I was invited. I have worked with her for more than 20 years and am very fond of her - respect her work and will certainly miss her when she retires. so why did I send her a text three hours before the party saying I couldn't go?

Ok, I'm not a great party goes, I've never enjoyed the jollity, I'm a rubbish dancer and I would have had to drive so drinking was out of the question. But those are not reasons enough for not supporting a friend are they? The truth is I couldn't face leaving the house. I went to get a haircut on Saturday afternoon and came back with a nice new short style, then sat down in my chair and thought about getting ready for the party. What would I wear? Of course, despite having loads of clothes, I had nothing suitable. It was all old fashioned and I look enormous in everything. Well, I'm enormous anyway, so what difference would the clothes have made? If I took my car out, I wouldn't get parked when I got back. Another excuse. The reality was I was afraid to go, afraid to leave the house, enter a room full of people, try to make small talk and enjoy myself. I couldn't do it. Once I'd made my decision I felt that knot of tension in my stomach recede and I sank back into my chair, picked up my phone and opened Candy Crush. Safe again.

Did it make me feel better in the long run? Not at all - I am here at work today and she is very cool with me, despite my apologies. After all, she thinks I couldn't be bothered and why should she think any differently? I won't tell her that I felt sick, that I was shaking, that I simply couldn't drag myself from my front door.  She will continue to think that I don't value her friendship.

And instead of partying the night away, I was in bed by 9 - the place where I feel the happiest. tucked nicely away from the world and in my own little space.

It's not as bad as it sounds of course. I'm functioning a lot better than when I was really depressed. I go to work every day and function quite well on the whole. It does take it out of me though and every evening I am in bed by 9.

Depression is a strange thing and I know it is still with me, though I will not go onto medication again. At least without that I am functioning, not numb. and anyway, being med free allows me to experience good things and enjoy them - the beauty of nature, art and music; holidays; etc.
And that is great!