Growing up

With the ISO paperwork behind me for now, I only have two more days to work before heading off down to London for my games maker stint at the Olympics. I'm really quite excited about being in among the Olympic atmosphere, an event that isn't likely to happen here again in my lifetime.

Now it's kind of cool and 'fashionable' to mock the Olympics. But while once over I would have said nothing when faced with people criticising and taking the mick out of the event, nowadays I'm much more likely to argue the case for being excited and pleased the games have come to London. I don't care so much about conforming and being 'cool'.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a major breakthrough with my counsellor. To most people, I would suspect that it sounds like nothing. But to me it was like a revelation!
So much so, that I feel very different now. It's like I have finally grown up...

When I started with my major meltdown over three years ago, it was all triggered by the beliefs I had held all my life. Those beliefs might sound silly to most people, but they have had such a negative and restricting effect on my life that when I discovered they might not be true, I lost the plot!

Without going into loads of detail, I had always believed that I was worthless, ugly and useless. I know, it sounds like I'm fishing for compliments, but that's not so. I really did believe that nobody liked me, that I was the most unattractive person and that it would be impossible to get someone to love me.

I guess that sounds a bit daft, doesn't it? But it virtually turned me into a recluse, the beliefs were so strong. Some bad things happened many years ago that reaffirmed those beliefs and I just knew that I was destined to be alone all my life, cos who the hell would want to be with me?

I started to question those beliefs after I turned 50. That year I decided to start doing things I enjoyed; I lost weight, got a bit girlie, caught up with some old friends. Then, miracle of miracles I fell in love for the first time. And what's more, I felt loved and I felt attractive.

But that mixed me up so much, I was a complete mess. Everything I'd believed was turned on its head. Friends I thought were doing the best for me, seemed now to be working against me; fighting against the way I was going. It was a complete nightmare.

Until I met the most wonderful counsellor at the end of last year. Together, we worked through all the things that have happened, and although I started to blame people from my distant past, eventually we got through it and slowly I have come to understand myself.

It's no good blaming those people, even though some of the things they did were horrible. But it's such a long time ago, I have accepted that those things happened, there's nothing I can do to change them, so I must move forward and not let those things hold me back. What I can do is change how I react to those memories and how I feel about myself

So guess what? That was the big revelation.... I am in charge of my own destiny, I no longer need the approval of other people. Whatever I do with my life from now on, it's my decision - no-one else's. And I'm not worthless. I'm ok. I'm a good friend, kind and loyal and I would never harm any living creature. Ok, I'm still not the most attractive person in the world, that I can't change, but maybe my beauty is within.....

I actually like myself for the first time in my life and it feels good. plus now that I like myself I find I am appreciating my friends a lot more. And I am hoping they will reciprocate and like me right back! What's not to like? Lol....

I have some way to go before Im 'back to normal' whatever that is. But I am looking forward to deciding for myself how my future will be. One of the things I reckon I need is to spend some time on my own and find out who the real me really is.