After all, there are hundreds, nay thousands, even millions of people worse off than I am. I can see, hear, walk; I'm fit enough to cycle 68 miles; I have a decent job that pays enough to let me have holidays, etc. so wtf is wrong with me? A bit of loneliness! So what. About time I grew up, pulled myself together and got on with it.
Loneliness can do strange things in your head. But logically, I should be pretty happy with my lot. It's better than many other people experience. So I don't have anyone to love, not the end of the world is it?
Some people are just not designed to be loved. Having said that, I did feel fairly loved until IF was about 7. That's when everything changed and I became this odd, unlovable person out of step with everything.
I guess I can cope with not being loved, but the hard thing is having all this love inside me to give and having nobody to give it to. I watch the tv images of those beautiful children starving around the world, or in orphanages and I weep for the lack of love they have. What I'd give to just cuddle them better....
Or children who are abused and cruelly treated in this country. I'd like to have loads of them in my home and give them enough love to take away all the horrors they've experienced.
Not to be though. It's probably for the best that i just keep all those feelings locked away. After all, if I unleashed all that love on some poor unsuspecting bloke, I'd suffocate him in no time!
Accepting that I will always be on my own is not easy, but I think that's the way forward. Anyway, I've been alone for 50 years - you'd think I'd be used to it by now!
I don't know why I can't handle it any more.
Trick is to try and like myself a bit more. I'm not a bad person, I enjoy doing nice things for people; I'm a good listener - people are always coming to talk to me about their troubles and I give good advice to everyone except myself....
So folks, the whining and self pity will end here. From now on, no matter how bad I feel, I will be outwardly positive.
No more miserable BJ! My new life with me for company starts now! I just hope it's not too bloody long....
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